A Rant

We've been quiet here.  Its been over a month since we blogged, but it was also the holidays and I think that we were too preoccupied with events, friends and fun to get too spun up about the two week wait. 

Here it is, day 23 of my 29 day cycle and I started.  Needless to say I am pissed.  I had a brief bout of excitement two days ago when spotted "spotting" and a temp dip in the same day, 8 days before aunt flow was to arrive for her monthly visit.  I know this is my fault, I let myself get carried away and immediately start making plans just because of a little spotting and a temp dip. I need to take better control of my thoughts, I am the boss here!!  Not my crazy thinking! 

But I still sit here very disappointed today.  I get the lectures and encouragement notes of God's timing is perfect but like NO OTHER waiting period in my life, this wait is the MOST DIFFICULT.  I really feel like I am in a holding pattern.  My plan is circling the airport waiting for clearance to land and it feels like I am running out of gas.  I cant imagine how people who have been trying for years must feel.  I feel terrible!!  And its only been 6 months.  I am sure if someone who really tried for years is reading this you will want to find me and give me a whoopin. I probably deserve it for being so annoying about it all. 

I think what frustrates me most about it is that, for SO LONG I wasnt even sure I wanted to have kids.  But I have done alot of work in my own life, pursuing healing and growth on a number of areas, and I really believe that God has changed my heart about children and has put this desire IN ME to be a mom and realize a new role as a woman.  I am anxious to get this new job started.  And I am confused about why God decided to change my heart about it and then make me wait.  I hate waiting so perhaps he just wants to teach me a patience lesson. 

Also, if I am being honest, I am kind of bored right now. I hate saying that but I am.  And I really was hoping that this would be the year that things change for us. We are well rested and ready for the challenge (as ready as we can be) and equally scared to death of what it really means to enter into this season.  But I am no longer scoffing at the idea of family life or thinking that I would much rather have the freedom to travel the world on a whim, sit on my couch and drink wine rather than raise a child.  This is a big change for me!

I just needed to get this off my chest.  I feel a little better now.  But mostly I still am feeling impatient and disappointed and depressed and let down. 

Plus, can we talk about why I spotted and started so early?? Today is day 23 and I typically go on day 29.  WTH? I did buy one of those clear blue fertility predictor kits though so you can bet the farm that I will be using it next month, despite my fears that God will still prevent me from conceiving just to prove that I CANT CONTROL THIS ONE!!! 

Love,
the unsuccessful BABYMAKER